STILL

UPDATE:  This list started out as a stream-of-consciousness exercise for me.  Since then, some people have shared additions to the list  (below).

Do you know someone who has suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death?  It’s natural to want to help, but some people feel very awkward about it.  Here are some thoughts:

DO reach out to the parents (or to other relatives if you don’t know the parents well), and mention that your thoughts and/or prayers are with them.  They might not feel up to talking on the phone right now (sometimes it’s just too difficult to utter the words, “The baby is gone.”) — a handwritten note is great, because it doesn’t put the grieving parents on the spot like a phone conversation can.  If you’re not sure what to say, then say “I’m not sure what to say.”  It’s honest and sincere.

DON’T say “I know exactly how you feel” unless you had a VERY similar experience.  Please keep in mind that miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths are not interchangeable, and that not everyone reacts to a tragedy in the same way.

DO ask if the parents named their child.  From then on, refer to that child by his/her name.  Acknowledge that that child existed, is loved, and will be missed.

DON’T refer to the child as “it,” “the embryo,” or “the fetus.”  Call it a baby, regardless of gestational age.  A blastocyst is a collection of cells.  A baby is a collection of dreams.

DO offer logistical help, especially in the week or two that follow the loss.  Relatives may need to be picked up from the airport.  If there are other children in the house, helping with childcare might be an option.  Grocery shopping, pharmacy pickups, & laundry need to be done.  If the mother had a c-section, she may not be able to drive for a couple of weeks.

DON’T probe for details about the loss.  If the parents feel like talking about it, listen quietly.  Don’t change the subject or try to be a “cheerleader.”  Just listen.

DO understand that many parents will feel great anger and bitterness over their loss(es).

DON’T offer anecdotes such as “so-and-so’s baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, but now he’s perfectly fine.”  While this is generally happy news, it can be a painful reminder of the unfairness of the loss: “Why did their baby live when our baby died?”

DO realize that this is an incredibly vulnerable time for the parents.  All of the baby stuff that’s out there (in stores, on TV, and among acquaintances) can be overwhelming and painful for bereaved parents.  Understand that they might not want to watch shows that deal with babies, pregnancy, childbirth, child abuse, or the death of a child.  When children’s birthdays are coming up, offer to do the gift shopping for the parents — that may spare them the pain of going into a store full of children and of toys that their child will never get to play with.

DON’T try to postulate reasons for the death.  Don’t say that there must have been something wrong with the baby and that a miscarriage is nature’s way of taking care of that early.  Interrogating a newly-bereaved mom about her habits and how much swordfish she ate will not help.  Chances are she has asked herself all of those questions, and she may feel guilt for not being able to keep the baby safe in her belly.  Unfortunately, with many losses, the reason remains unknown.

DO understand that grieving is not a linear process, with each successive day better than the last.  A wise woman once compared grief to an orbit — sometimes you’re so close to your grief that it’s very painful, and sometimes you’re far away from the grief and the pain is more manageable.

DON’T tell grieving parents that “God never gives us more than we can handle,”  “God needed another flower for His garden,” etc.  Even if the parents go to your church, their faith may have suffered a tremendous blow in the wake of their tragedy.

DO realize that, even after the flower arrangements have died and the cards and letters have stopped coming, the parents are still hurting.  The realization that the world keeps turning (when theirs stopped) is tough on many parents.  Try to make time for them in the months following their loss.

Several readers have added to this list:

DON’T trivialize the baby. Saying things like “Oh you are young, you can have more” or “You only 12 weeks along, that isn’t a baby yet” or worse “You still have your other children” hurts more than you know. My child was not a toy, to be replaced at will. Yes, I still have my other children and they are special, individual soul just like the child I lost.

DO realize that your beliefs and the parents’ beliefs could be completely different. Your beliefs do not matter in this case, only the parents’ do. Respect them even if you don’t agree with them.

DON’T hide.  There are people in my life (friends AND family) who I haven’t heard from in the months since my loss.  That hurts.  Don’t be afraid to extend your condolences.  Some people worry about “reminding” bereaved parents of the loss.  The truth is that we never forgot in the first place — and we never will.

DO remember that this child has other family members who may be grieving as well. Reach out to them.

DO remember the baby on the anniversary. The loss may be years old but a parent never forgets.